Deliberate Living

"We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep...I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary...........................................it is error upon error, and clout upon clout, and our best virtue has for its occasion a superfluous and evitable wretchedness. Our life is frittered away by detail . Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity!"

-Thoreau "Walden"

Expectations

Does happiness come with success?

No.

(Part of) Happiness is the sense of fulfillment, and success is achieving a goal.

And goals can be achieved all the time. Whether they are the right goals determines whether one will be either happy or depressed, two polar opposites.

The quick way to depression:

Accomplishing irrational goals. Accomplishment is a feat: it requires dedication, work, and luck. It's essentially an "investment" that people make. However, far too many people expect their investment to completely pay off in the end. They spend all the work accomplishing the goal without spending the work of determining what their goal is, and unfortunately, the world is mean and expectations are missed and undershot all the time. That's the root of all sadness and madness in the world, if you think about it...failed expectations.

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." -Brian Littrell

Apparently this guy assumes everybody can cope with undershot expectations. He is quite out of touch with people.

The quick to happiness!

Accomplishing goals that lead you closer and closer to whatever your main goal is: your purpose in life, whatever you choose it to be.

Basically, expectations always come with the accomplishment of hopes, goals, and dreams - these expectations are an integral part in determining our overall sense of happiness.

Expectations reached? Good for you. Keep going. Expectations missed? I say accept, learn, and move on. But a lot of people intentionally dwell and drown in their own wells of misery, asking for comfort of other people.

Oh well. We're only teenagers.

I shouldn't have high expectations for them anyways. Myself included.

On the other hand, I'm scared to death of failing other people's expectations.

lower your eyelids to die with the sun

my shadow melts

between the trees,

pale hands clutch the bark

not so at sudden ease.

my nerves sing

as they touch the leaves

caressing my fingertips

touching my soul.

golten tip to burning spear,

the sun ignites the burning wood,

glory in the burning trees

thrums with my burning heart.

flaming desire

so terrible and great

let no man know

of this sinful hate

extinguished by night,

paled by the stars,

desire is no more.

lower your eyelids to die with the sun.

Pain

The bite does bleed,

The wound does scar,

I shake my fist-

at the crimson sky.

Sliding down my tearstained thigh,

the drop of blood seduces the wild--

calling the hunters of my

weary, weary mind.

The lion does roar,

The Devil does run,

The vultures soar,

Oh sweet decay has begun.

End it all -- my lover won,

Let the pain come

like a knife in water

soon to turn it red.

Blood -

- Blood

-red.

Succumb to fate,

how easy, how deliciously

--liberating like no other pleasure.

A final gasp

--I am released.

retreat...

Vultures descend

Pessimism

We came as the freshmen. We were fresh-faced and eager; we were excited, we were hopeful, we were nervous, we were light-hearted. Morover, we were totally lost. We were the freshmen.

A yearlater, we are...sophmores. Many feverish and stressful sleepless nights later, we are sophomores. All things start to fall into place and align themselves for us. But really, the gradual settlement of our lives stamps out any excitement we had before. Is it lack of enthusiasm on our part? Or is it simply the concept of "same old again"? True, to our droopy, tired eyes, the school we once considered so beautiful now only sparks thoughts o fhomework and the despicable teachers we loathed. Even seeing our friends is not as exciting as before...why? When we see them, gossip taps us on the shoulder and whispers the latest news on current grades, relationship status, and social scandals.

Truthfully, the thought is quite depressing. The people you see everyday don't mean anything to you unless they have something you could take advantage of. Now this perspective is a bit harsh, but is it not true that the prickly side of high shcool has rubbed off on us?

If we were looking for a more virtuous excuse to make up for the lack of energy in the new school year, we could blame the one thing we all have in common; our future. Our future, our goals, our hope, our hell.

We are all capable of dreaming big. In our minds, everybody DOES want to go to an Ivy League school and find the cure for cancer. But with our eyes so fixed on the price, we forget about the path to get there. We gloss delicately over the details; we are masters of evasion. Call us shirkers, if you will.

This brings us to the finishing stitch. A year has passed, and we are one more year closer to senior year. A year closer to college. A year closer to shoving our whole life in front of a panel of administrators and letting them decide our fate. The looming Judgement Day does put things into perspective, do you not agree?

The fleet carefree freshman flight of fancy has flown...it's time to grovel down and get to work. It's time to actually do the labor to achieve the lofty goals we so foolishly tacked up on the totem pole.

Here's to a new year, and to our futures. I really hope we make it.

blurp.

What happens when 2 different personalities tug on your mind?

What is the smartest thing to do?

Is it to please both sides, have split personalities, and live a life with an ever changing personality?

Of course not. It is the quite the opposite.

A sticky situation happens; you'll be forced to cut one side off and take the other.
And, for some unfortunate reason, it becomes a question of who you'd rather please. Because sooner or later, you'll have to quit compromising and take a stance between the two minds. You cannot be forever ambiguous and accept contradicting ideas.

Life is harsh.

It just sticks us in these messy situations. So as usual, when I encounter a messy situation, I try to find a purpose.

Although it's subjective and up to interpretation, I believe this type of dilemma to be the opportunity to establish an identity, and it's up to yourself to make it a good or bad one. There's plenty of examples all around us everywhere, at school for example, in how people chose sides and established their own identity - the whole phenomenom of the strengthening and breaking of friendships, the latter known more commonly as "drama."

Many of us just choose the side that is most fun.

Is fun really the deciding factor of our personality?

It could be.

Decisions, decisions.

So now I'm stuck.

...Who am I supposed to be?