Mental Diarrhea....arghhh

You command my attention
and back me into a wall
All I see is you.
Then you leave the room
quickly - you have other things to do.

I am drowning in the intensity of your gaze.
Then the droplet breaks, and for a split second:
That smile.
My wandering eyes - unfocused
pretending not to care.

I am strong,
calculating,
analytical.
But all I see
Is you.

hollow

the hollow space waits to be filled
- yet, by who?
the curling tendrils of my soul retreat, and try to paint
their existence into nothing
- against the walls that don't exist.
they hide - immersed in the bark-colored soil -
seeking refuge in the cool, wet blanket - smothering
their sobs that cry out for -
for what?
How can the heart cry if it doesn't know what it's crying for?
Their tears send newborn shoots out of the soil.
Parading their humiliation.
And again,
they retreat
farther
down
down
down.
Stretching their roots as deep as they can go.

APAHM '10: Some JJ Bakery, Cashews, and a whole Realm of the LA Night Lights

Some JJ Bakery, Cashews, and a whole Realm of the LA Night Lights

Basking in: JJ Lin’s Yogurt Love

            I am quite lax about updating my blog, but I just felt that I absolutely HAD to recount my precious experience yesterday at the APAHM Concert (American Pacific Asian Heritage Month). In order to celebrate this movement in the month of May, JJ LIN, (YES JJ LIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heavenly Dimple Sweetie), Vanness Wu (Hottie with THE Body), Evonne Hsu (Mumbling Pretty Girl), and Mike Relm (Quirky Video Ripper…DJ….?) held joint concerts in the big cities of the US (DC, NY, SF, LA..Seattle). Celeste and Vivianne were going to go to the one in LA, but Vivianne decided to pursue more wholesome and Asian-parent worthy activities (scholarship banquet), so Celeste invited Ash Wash and I to go. At first, I thought that Hottie Vanness would be at the concert, to , you know, add a little spice to JJ Lin’s cuteness…but then I found out that Vanness would be performing in NY and Seattle, and that JJ would do the other three cities…..I almost didn’t go! But I thought about how much I loved JJ and what a big fan I was; so I decided to pay for my ticket and go! And I’m so glad that I did!

            The makeover with Stylists Vivianne and Celeste was so fun! Especially the part where Vivianne was trying to curl my eyelashes and Ashley was making me laugh. And me trying to go number 2 with Ashley right outside singing Wang Leehom songs. I laughed so hard that I didn’t even end up going number 2. Sigh. Oh well. Vivianne put fake eyelashes on me, and Ashley had a “sexy” dark look, hence her exclamations of “I wanna look sexy for JJ!” The ride on the way was fun…we educated Celeste by making her listen to JJ songs. I almost lost my voice by singing so loudly, but thankfully I had enough larynx endurance to scream like a banshee later at the concert. After a quick dinner at Starbucks (Yardhouse had a ridiculous wait time), we idled in the line, waiting for the doors to open at Nokia Club. Ashley wanted to look for hot guys to grind, but we only saw one (AND IN A DARK BLUE TUX, TOO!). Sheesh Ashley. We decided to stand in the mosh pit…well the standing area. It was right next to the stage. We sort of stood in the middle part closer to the stage. We waited….and waited…..for 40 minutes. I had almost passed out in anticipation.

            When FINALLY…the lights dimmed, creating chaos and much screaming, the MC, Tom (sort of cute, I must say) bounded on stage and got us all hyped up. Though he did mention the Lakers, to my distaste, I screamed along with the rest and jumped up and down. The first act was announced, and the curtains parted to reveal Mike Relm in all his nerdy glory, flanked by an iPad, a Mac, and those record thingies that DJ’S always scratch with their…fingernails? Lol I’m quite clueless about all this mystery DJ stuff. Mike Relm was pretty funny, and the videos he scratched (is that the term?) were pretty amusing (especially the ‘Charlie bit my finger!’ one from youtube.) Thankfully, though, his stunt was only about 15-20 minutes tops. Everybody got tired after a while; we were all waiting for our beloved JJ!

            THEN…DUN DUN DUN!!! The MC announced “JJ LIN!!!!” and hysteria ensued. My heart was going to jump out of my chest, I swear. You can see my excitement in the video I took; when JJ comes out, the image shakes like crazy. Even better, his opening song was 曹操(Cao Cao); the first song I ever heard from him. When the opening piano notes were sounded, and the audience went insane! His stage presence is really captivating. He came out on stage amid his backup dancers and struck a pose with his legs spread apart, his head tilted to the side and back, one hand holding the mike, one hand up in the air, and hit that opening high note like….like…..it was simply perfect, amazing, hot, sexy, cute, charismatic, and every other word you could put. I was speechless….I could only scream as I watched him nail note after note, and strike a stance with every “freeze note”. He wore a close-fitted suit (!!!) with one of those skinny ties. After that, he addressed us in his adorable English (he’s from Singapore, so his English is pretty much close to perfect). His singing voice and his speaking voice are pretty similar. They’re both pretty high for a guy, but his voice is not thin and reedy. It’s sort of…smooth, with a consistency close to like smooth..yogurt. or something like that. I’m so weird, but that’s the only way I could describe it. It’s smooth, not too thick, but just right, and his high notes are pure heaven. His voice just melts you, no matter if he’s singing a fast dance song, a pining ballad, or a cutesy love song like (豆漿油條). He talked to us quite a bit in between, in both his adorable English and Mandarin. I’m quite proud that I understood 100% of what he said. He’s such a sweet human being, and has a very caring and considerate personality. He talked of his experiences of going to more rural areas in Taiwan and spending time with the kids there. He also recounted the time he was sick and lost his singing voice for a while, and the fear that he felt that he wouldn’t be able to use the gift that God gave him (let’s meet in heaven, JJ!). There were hilarious moments as well. We all chanted for him to take his coat off, “take it off, take it off” and he countered sweetly, “But I like my coat!” A white guy behind us kept on yelling, “JJ, 我要你tuo ku zi!” To which JJ shook his finger and said, “You guys are naughty!” Later in his act, a grand piano was pushed out, and JJ serenaded us with a couple of beautiful ballads. After the first song, he stopped and said “Oops! You can’t see me!” and put down the music stand in the piano. He’s so sweet! While he was sitting at the piano and talking to us, Ashley told me that she really wanted him to respond to us, so I counted to three and we yelled together, “我爱你!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” JJ smiled toward us (though he probably couldn’t see us, hehe) and said in English, “I love you too!” I could have died right then and there. Celeste, Ashley, and I screamed and jumped up and down with glee. Later I thought of what a good boyfriend JJ would make; his big dimples, his sweet smile and caring persona. *oozes happiness*

But anyway, he left for a short break while the MC came on and talked for a little more. JJ returned, now clothed in looser, khaki pants tucked into boots, a white shirt, and a vest. He walked on stage and said, “See? I took it off!” Cutie! The same guy yelled again, “Ku shi, JJ, 我要你tuo ku zi!” JJ smiled and went into his next songs…in my adrenaline rush, I can’t remember exactly which songs he sung, but I know he performed a couple of my ABSOLUTE favorite ones. Sadly, he didn’t perform “Eternal Life”, which is my number 1 favorite song of his. JJ would pause in between each song and talk about himself, his love for his fans, or his thoughts about the song. He talked of his hardships during producing his newest album, and how he wrote his song, 100 天, for his fans. Of course, we all “aww-ed” and melted into the floor. But a big highlight was when he sang another one of my favorite songs, (I know I make it sound like that I adore every one of his songs, but seriously, I really liked this one), 不潮不用花錢 (Without Trends, No Need To Spend). His dancing is so cute, and a good view of his perky butt was a plus. It was such an improvement from dancing to this song by myself while cleaning the bathroom…to watching HIM DANCE IT! At the rap part, he switched up the lyrics and instead yelled, “LA LADIES ON MY SOFA!!!” Ahhhhh *fans self*. The energy was through the roof; the whole crowd was jumping up and down and waving their cameras and glow sticks. It was a high at its best. Before singing the last song, JJ started to talk about he was going to leave for home tonight on a plane, and unable to contain my sadness at him leaving, I screamed, “不要走!!!” to which JJ literally went, “Awwwww” and smiled his adorable dimple smile. I know this is pretty lame, but I just love how he personally responded to ME. For his last song, he came off the stage and literally was 10 feet away from me, or probably less, if not for the huge mass of people squeezing at me from all directions, trying to touch him. Sadly, I wasn’t able to fight my way through to touch JJ, but I got a pretty up-close view of the top of his head through the crowd (he’s not the tallest celebrity hehe). His big black bodyguard glared at the audience, and JJ got back on the stage after braving the crowds for probably a minute. He bowed and said good-bye, and left, with much screaming following him. *Sigh*. He’s so….wonderfully wonderful. I never thought that he was good looking; just cute…but he looks sort of different in real life then in talk shows and videos. He’s actually quite handsome…and so charismatic! I could go on and on, but I think I’ll spare you guys with my coos of “so cute!” and “charismatic” JJ.

The last act was Evonne Hsu, another Taiwanese artist that I had heard of but never actually listened too. Whoops. I just scrolled through my iTunes and found that I actually have songs from one of her albums. Heh. Anyway, she was actually a really good singer, but I just didn’t find her that interesting after JJ. She had some funny interactions with the MC, who acted like he was one of those shy fanboys, but mostly I just squatted on the ground (my feet were killing me after standing and jumping up and down excitedly for 3 hours), scrolled through my pictures with Celeste and re-watched some footage I had taken of JJ’s performance. I felt sort of bad for Evonne because a couple of people started leaving the pit area, but I did my duty as a fan and screamed for her (though not as intensely and often as I did for JJ).

Ashley, Celeste, and I really hoped that JJ would come back at the end for one last song, but he didn’t, so we left when the concert ended and fought the crowds yet again to purchase those key-chain necklace…things…..but JJ STYLE! They had his signature (printed, of course), with his picture on it. With any purchase, they threw in a free JJ Lin poster, so we just bought the key-chain things in order to get those very large posters of JJ. On the way home, we sang JJ songs and gushed about JJ’s perfection. A big thank you to Celeste for inviting me to go, and to both Ashley and Celeste for being such great company and being properly fan-girl-ish. Screaming and hyperventilating is all part of that “idol experience”. After going to that Wang Leehom concert last year, I think my endurance for all that adrenaline is much better now. I’m able to keep up my energy throughout the night, and I didn’t get sick or lose my voice. And yet I still got JJ to say “I love you” to me, and “awww” at me. Pretty good, I gotta say. I love artists like JJ and 王力宏. They’re so considerate, and truly love their fans. Why else would they go down off the stage and brave the wild fans..in order to interact with those very hysteric fans?! This makes all the difference between Korean artists..well and other artists…who get annoyed and pissed off when their fans try to get close to them. Though I don’t necessarily blame them; those Korean fans are pretty scary. Hopefully I won’t get bashed for this haha. But that won’t stop me from going to Hollywood Bowl next year…that is, if SHINEE COMES!!!!!! But that’s another time….. J

“Love it is…love it issss!!!! Whoa-o-o-yeah-yee-yeahhhhh” – JJ, my love.

Party time

party time with ap's. let's go go go!

Frustration

So restless and frustrated right now....I came home from school with the full intent of finally getting my recording for YAHS done today, but after 2 hours of practicing, recording, and pulling out my hair, I only have one full recording of all three pieces.......and the second and third piece has quite a few mistakes...DARN PEDAL MISTAKES.
After i finally recorded the pieces one through (we have to play all three in a row in one sitting...memorized), i went on the website to take a closer look at rules and repertoire. I read up on the past winners, and was so depressed. The winners of 2008 were all around my age at the time...so they'll either be 17 or 18 now....at least i won't have to compete with them for college....or perhaps i will have too. idk. But i read that at least three of them had studied with Judy Loman, and won all these competitions (mostly AHS Nationals). wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I feel like i'm running after them, trying to chase all their footsteps.

new header

to celebrate spring...so beautiful this year. :D

Delicacy

There's not enough slack,

in the bridge to hold,

my heavy tears and heavy words.

It trembles, it shakes,

I'm sorry,

but the phrases and delicacies

have all but gone out the window

and all that is left

are my tears.

Give me a moment,

I cannot stop the flow

of my imploring hands.

Confiding

To all those other dedicated bloggers, I applaud you. I do not know how you can write a blog post at least once every two days. Because not a lot of people read my blog, I don't really see the point of updating it constantly.

My life is not interesting enough anyways.

All i can say is that...April is busy! Blisters and rehearsals!

yes....

Oh now i will attempt to insert a little Life in my blog.

So at the last Classical Connections Concert for PSYO (including beast piano playing and much flattering banter between the guest artist and the conductor), i was flipping through my program to make myself stay awake...I saw this feature on the Shen Wei Dance Arts....the director was the main choreographer for the Beijing Summer Olympics opening ceremony. So, being the fobby fob fob I am, i showed my mommy the magazine and hinted that it would be a delicious birthday present to both of us!

So my mom bought cheap $11 tickets....so i'm guessing we'll be at least 100 feet above and away from the stage tomorrow.

BUT we shall bring our binoculars (in order to ogle at dancers wearing nude spandex) and we will execute our smooth move of sneaking-down-to-$200 seaets-after-the-lights-dim.

It will be a good brief 3 hour hiatus from anchor.

GAH.

Photo copyright Aran Goyoaga  http://cannelle-vanille.blogspot.com

weak pinkies

i have scarily skinny and undeveloped pinkies....they collapse every time i type.
ew.

and every weekend is booked with back to back rehearsals saturday and sunday for the rest of this month and the beginning of next.


........................................................
and ap exams
and finals for those ap classes
and i have to get my driving online thing done
and memorize sat vocab
and do sat.
every day.

and obey my calorie limit.

oh. and the anchor.

spring blehh

spring break is not what i hoped it to be. i just end up getting distracted and wasting my life on meaningless things. (youtubing, playing with my iTouch...etc.)

There's so much gnarly stuff i must do.

the weather is beautiful, but i'm spending my time inside....wasting it.

Security

Don't abandon me, O Lord.
Hold my hand
Let me feel your warmth
Be my security.
Wrap me in Your arms.

two more days until lent is over!

There will be a Day

God

My God

My Lord

My Love.

There will be a day.

With no more fear

No more pain

No more tears.

Run to you, Lord

I run to you.

You catch my tears

and fashion me a wreath

of love.

There will be a day.

Where I can see you face to face.

Restless

It's been a more than a year.

Partly, I am glad that we've put it behind us and forgotten about each other.

That time of missing you was quite painful.

quite, indeed.

quite painful.

I should not have gone back and looked at our old emails. Ridiculous me.

Someday

Someday we'll meet...and you'll be everything I ever imagined.

Someday, I hope...that looking back at growing up separately, we'll grow old together.

I'll live to be the very best for our most perceptive, loving Matchmaker, and through His unfailing love and merciful nature, I'll, in turn, be even more than anything you ever imagined.

Someday. 

Let's wait until that day.

                                                                                 One day. 

Cracked Shell

Oozing out 

of the brittle membrane

that so inadequately shielded

the soul:

I gasp as the

hammer of your words

strike

against

me.

Thin lines spider

around and about

the fragile mask I so sought

to treasure...

breaking in its entirety

the smooth, faultless

curve of white.

Once the deed has been done,

I cannot help but to come

undone at the seams.

Seams which have no power

to be stitched up again.

Fault lines which cannot be

hastily glued back together

and shoved roughly back onto

the shelf

of

Life.

For that was child's play.

And there's no going back.

No matter how hard one tries.

He's waiting....

He's waiting for me.

waiting for me to break down to run back. I can feel him hovering above my head, waiting for me to cry up to him, "Come back! I need you!"

I cannot fall right now.

I am the flower quickly fading.

Ramble

Today is the day…of….Daylight Savings Time! How wonderfully lovely. How wonderful when you have two tests to study for, a French essay to write, stats hw that is incomprehensible, forms to fill out, and a ton of rusty repertoire to practice. A rehearsal tomorrow as well, all smothered by an overwhelming desire to read Pride and Prejudice nonstop and play sappy, romantic music on the piano. My thoughts are so jumbled and I can’t do anything else but write out all the urgent matters that I must attend to….on a pink sticky note. And that bright pink stares back at me…the little boxes I drew next to the to-do’s are empty and are wanting of affirmative, decisive checks. But sadly, they will not get checked off tonight…I took a 3 hour nap today and am still floundering about even now. And on top of it all, we will lose a precious hour tonight. The Taiwanese gangster movie that my mom is hankering to watch is calling, but we cannot watch it tonight. *sigh*. Last week was quite stressful, and this coming week is just as stressful, if not more.

I don’t think I’ll be writing poetry as often anymore. I need to have some emotional pain in order to write it. And I have none right now. Though it does make my life less complicated, this absence of petty “heartache”, it does block my creativity flows and the Anti-B antibodies in my blood are agglutinating with the foreign red blood cells, thus causing organ pain and slowly…….yes. I am done. Goodbye. '

an "I love you" to God. I've been drifting away.....too busy with that durndest school work.....to do my QT and to find the energy to pray aloud at night. 

Remember, Melody....remember.

and now, i'm starting to use words like "durndest"... reminiscent of my Harvest Gypsies days and all that Dust Bowl commotion. 

Happiness stems Inspiration

so

i have nothing to say

because.....

yeah.

Soothing Hand

cool

crisp

falls on my face

like my mother's soothing hand.

the fever is placated

for just a little while.

the burning ache subsides.

dreary and wet,

you remind me of my other self.

who loves the cold.

the lightest tips of your fingers

draw patterns across my flushed face,

numbing and cooling

so i may disconnect

from feeling the red-hot glare.

until i can immerse myself

in the glaring sun again,

i'll stay here.

and splash the puddles

without a care.

It's so depressing...

to write about the petty things in life.

just deal with it.

we don't want more negativity,

and to be truthful,

we really

don't

care.

This morning

This morning was glorified,

with thoughts of light:

I woke up,

and sent my love

back to You.

Your perfect love,

your amazing love.

is untainted

and

pure

beyond belief.

Angel

In this silence,

I will listen,

For a whisper,

A feather-touch,

A rustle of wings.

A flurry – a rush of harmonious sighs

Angel, angel, please pass my way,

And give me a precious sign,

That you are here,

Passing so close that I may reach out-

And touch a tear.

Beautiful and Filled

Your emotions are beautiful to me,

Every tear that falls off your cheek,

is a diamond I am waiting to catch.

Your heart is so soft, so malleable.

It's so beautiful.

I am waiting for you to let me shape it.

When you don't know what to do,

just tell you me you love me,

and that is enough.

Melody, don't give up!

Keep on searching for me.

I know that you are trying so hard,

that you desire me.

Your love for me is so small and incomparable

when compared to my love for you.

Your name is not an accident,

I chose you to be a leader,

the brightest star in the galaxy.

You are so beautiful in my eyes.

-Lord

Rough

I really think I need to take more time on actually writing my poems. Sadly, I just try to whip something up in 5 minutes for the sake of adding something to my blog. My poems are so rough and the cadence is not even flowing.

Inspiration is hard to come by for me. I usually see an interesting photo that galvanizes (that word always me think of gas at a pump) me to write something. But I’m always in a rush; I’m afraid that if I don’t spit everything out at once, I’ll forget it and lose that little inspiration that I gleaned from that picture. And by that time, I have to go do something else….so I just quickly publish and close out…..hmmmm

Snow Diamonds

Steam billows from her warm, pink tongue,

waiting for the winter's first touch.

Alive and pulsing, her heart beats.

Her eyes flicker in the biting wind.

Trees bend under the might of the storm,

but still-

she waits.

She waits for beauty, too brief to behold,

It kills the tender green leaf; nothing stays gold,

This untouchable diamond,

delicate crystalline,

star's tears,

that no hand can ever smear.

But she waits.

Oh this child.

Pleading

Lord.....

Let me feel your presence,

I beg you,

please,

let me feel

your perfect love.

Drunken Crimson

The glass of your transparent gaze,

has shattered on the spinning floor.

Crimson tears floodgate their invisible boundaries,

staining the ivory carpet,

the

the thin membrane breaks,

tears.

I am wine-drunk

in your heady gaze

your crimson lips

your captivating presence

you have my pulsing heart,

i stagger: drunk, wasted, broken

because as wine wastes the drinker

your nonchalance wastes my soul.

Drunken crimson,

the glass breaks, and all hell breaks loose.

2010

2010

monstrosity of the occasion?

i think not.

we say that we'll change.

optimism is key

but the false truth

of it all

cannot be ignored

shall we usher in this new decade

with the commitment

needed to uphold this weighty world?