Life and Age

I was only 4 or 5 years at the time. It's the earliest memory I can recall.

My mom woke me up with tears in her eyes. Only a toddler at that time, I was pretty clueless of what was happening. But she didn't mind, and she just vented all her sadness, frustration, and anger to me. I was thoroughly confused...and she hugged me and sobbed over my shoulder. And after a while everything was better.

And now we've grown. How utterly depressing. I'm no longer a comfort; I am a burden.

Why did we all want to grow up?

Age is something so complicated. It's a curse, but also a blessing. Part of me wants to grow up, to explore the world, to understand everything. I want to see people, understand why they're "them," imagine new things I would've never imagined before, and experience things I have never experienced before.

...but are we happier that way? Maybe understanding the world...won't lead us to see what we want. Maybe we'll see an ugly place. Experiences, well there are the good ones, but there's also the bad ones.

And age kills you! You die. Your body becomes lifeless, and your connections to the world around is gone. Forever.

My dad's friend just passed away a week ago. He was healthy, happy, productive, and living a meaningful life. Nice wife, genius kid who went to Berkeley at 8th grade, daughter going to college, and about to retire and move back to Taiwan. In fact, he talked with my dad a month ago asking where he should live. Everything was going fine...

Then all of sudden he died. Some vessel in his brain popped, not sure what happened, but he died. His family - no longer with him. His friends - no longer with him. His wife's vision of them living in Taiwan happily and carefreely in retirement will no longer happen. His daughter will never spend the quality father-daughter time with him before she leaves to college. Her father, dead. Just...gone. I can't fathom it.

We are simply walking to death every day, every second, every millisecond. My 5 year old self is dead. My 15 year old self is half dead. And sooner or later, I will be dead, somehow someway sometime.

How wonderful!