Thank You Failure

I haven't cried for a while.

Thank you failure for the tears and total frustration.

Today was a mini-recital (to prepare for SYMF saturday) at my violin teacher's house. And it would be the first time I came out of my shell and played a violin solo in front of a real audience. This whole week, my upcoming performance had been constantly floating on the top of my mind. Wow...My first chance to impress. To show what I actually have. To prove something...something I've been working for since 3rd grade.

So fast forward to 8:30. It was my turn. Fear rushed into me as I stood in front of the audience. My cheeks flushed red. My eyes darted back and forth across the room. Their eyes stared back at me.

Piano started, I lifted my violin and set the bow on the string. It's your chance to prove it to all of them. 6 minutes later, I walked out of the room not acknowleding the fake applause and knowing I played the most horrible, awkward, and stiff rendition of Tchaikovsky.

Life basically was sucked out of me as I sat there and watched everybody else after me play something actually decent. A burning dry feeling stayed in my throat. That feeling was frustration and total failure. I tried to drink it off, but nothing helped the pain. Endured a few more players until my mom suggested we go home. I happily obliged.

As I walked towards the car, I couldn't help but start crying. It was as if I were a total weakling, with the lower lip quivering and tears teetering on the edge of my eyelid.

And then it just all came out.

My mom tried to make me feel better, saying she was proud, the other moms all went to talk with her, blah blah blah. But she did lessen the pain. Thank you mom for that.

I continued being overdramatic and depressed. All this for just 6 minutes in front of 16 people. A mini-recital. I did not know I was that pathetic.

Why Failure? Why did you do this to me? Why do you want to cause so much shit to happen? All these thoughts echoed through my head as I stared out window to the black sky. This pointless stupid world...why me? why? Then I just sat and stared. And began to think purposefully.

...maybe it had a purpose.

Failure is teaching me something. Asking me to open up - to accept it. To cope with it. To use it to improve. To tell me I can do so much more. And once I open up to it, I'll be twice the person I am now.

I don't mind how I do this saturday. If I place, well, good for me. Maybe enjoy a temporary boost of some self-esteem. If I don't, well. Who cares! It's only a 6 minute window of my almost 8 year relationship with my violin! You're not going to die, you're not a failure, it's just a competition after all. Yes, we all want to be the best, but success comes from failure. And it'll come someday. Someday...